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April 6, 2010
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In the words of eeyore, “would you happen to have a hug with my name on it?”

We are broken, into lots of tiny pieces. The breakage happened just over six months ago. The pieces have now slowly moved back into the right places, all but one, but thats lost, forever, buried in the ground.

Problem is the glue. The glue to hold the pieces together has been applied. Its sticky and from a distance makes it all look pretty together, maybe even functioning and dare I say normal. Problem is, the glue wont dry, its tacky, but it hasn’t and wont set. The broken pieces, over time keep easing apart again, still sticky, still held together, sort of.

There are so few words (they come from the rarest, most precious of people) that actual help or make a difference for good. But a hug, that can say so much more. I wont try and put it into words.

Thank you to those who have and continue to hug me (particularly you Hubby), you squeeze all the broken bits back together. Oh and keep hugging me, I’ve heard the glue wont set till heaven.


God and me

March 17, 2010
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I was attempting to have a nap after last nights lack of sleep, but have decided this is utterly pointless when I have a blog post rattling around in my head.

In the last month or so, a few of my conversations and thoughts have revolved around my faith and Abi’s death, today it just seems right some how to maybe record how I am doing in that area, almost a journal if you will, with the vain hope that one day I’ll look back on this post and see how far I’ve come.

I’ll start by saying I don’t feel I’m doing very well on my side of the God and me relationship. Someone said at church a few weeks back that he hoped we’d all read our bibles already today (not the whole thing obviously). Inside, I hung my head in shame knowing that not unusually, I had not. The following lyric from a song sums it up pretty well for me, “you painted me a picture, you showed me how to see, but I just wont behold it, unless it pertains to me” As I tend to never be too far from my laptop, if I’m going to read the bible it tends to be an online site with a daily reading and I’ll follow some verses up in an online version. However I seriously struggle to take much in or find a want to do a daily reading, unless it some how relates to what I’m feeling.

I also find God pretty quiet on Abi’s death. I guess for the most part it’s because I want answers, reasons and some kind of word that will make it all better. I’ve always struggled with not hearing God speak, a group of us used to all go and spend time alone listening to what God was saying to us then come back together and report. I never felt I had anything said to me. It’s the same since Abi died, whilst there are times I would like to read some meaning into things that happen I know I’m willing so hard for a ‘message’ that I’m making it up.

Trusting God isn’t what it used to be, but then I don’t think I had it right back then. I guess a part of me assumed that if I asked God for what I wanted (i.e. my baby to be born safe and well) and it wasn’t a greedy, selfish or wrong desire I’d get it. Trust has now been reduced to a thread, one which says ultimately, at the end of all time, God will make it all right. All I can do is cling, like my life depends on it (which it does), to this. I’ve come to realise that my life has and may continue to involve all manner of horrors, things I would never wish to face and wouldn’t have thought I could.

But there it is, did you spot it? The glimmer of a positive, “I wouldn’t have thought I could”. I haven’t got to nearly six months as grieving Mumma on my own. We have amazed ourselves with how well we have coped, we have survived, thus far. I cannot put this down to myself, its just not possible I  have dragged my own weary heap this far. I’m not a strong person, I tend to see the glass as half empty at the best of times and though we have been blessed with some deep care and love by others, for the most part we’ve gone this road on our own.

So I’m left holding tight to the few things that I know.

Abi is in heaven and I will see her again. Whilst I wish we could have had her here to, I have peace that I will get to see her face to face. It has to be so.

I am being carried and cared for by God, however distance he feels right now, its just beyond me to have survived this without Him.

Whilst I find myself out of touch with somethings, I can relate hugely to Jesus death and I find a real expression of my thoughts and love for both God and Abi in a lot of the music I listen (and attempt to sing along) to.

God is real and whilst I have so little understanding of his ways, I know he must be there as I see the wonder of the good and beautiful around me in sunlight and nature, in the joy and amazing ways of our little boy and in the love of those who care for us in special ways.

(Ironically, I’ve just flicked through the last few days of some readings and found a fair few are probably right up my street. O.K. God point made!)

Mothers day with a difference

March 14, 2010
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Today, I wish I’d have been woken by you stirring in the cot next to me. I’m sure I’ve have groaned as I struggled out of my cosy bed and seen the time. I wish I could feel for real, the feeling as I carefully place my hands around you and gently lift you up. I imagine you so chubby and soft, an absolute treat to hold. Your round little face would relax as you see that Mummies got you and you know your safe and cared for. I wish today I’d have had the amazing hug from you, that give as you nestle close to me for a feed. Our hearts so close and our eyes fixed on each other. Now it really wouldn’t matter what the time was, cause you’d be happy again and I’d be enjoying our special time together. I expect you’d get breakfast in my bed everyday, but how good it would have been to share our first meal of the day together with Daddy and your big brother to, who cares how many crumbs get in the bed today? Speaking of your big brother, I think he’d have helped you out by letting you share the gift and card he so reveled in delivering this morning. I expect he’d be able to write your name nearly as well as he can his own. I wonder if you’d have given me an easy and gentle day, or whether you’d have been fussy sleeping, super hungry or made a huge mess for me to clear up? Do you know what, at the end of the day none of it would have mattered, I’m your Mumma and that means, that I love you, unconditionally and forever.

Today I’ve really missed you Abi, I’m glad you don’t know that though, Mummy wouldn’t ever want you to be sad.

A failed attempt at normality

March 6, 2010
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Today saw a first for us as a family, we ‘thought’ it might be fun for us to go to the cinema. Our little boy has never been before but it seemed like a reasonable way to spend some time together this morning. So with tickets booked for a cheap kiddies film off we went, hopeful that we might rejoin the masses in the normality of keeping a toddler entertained. The cinema was busy and obviously quite exciting when you’re 3 and a half, especially with over priced sweeties and drinks, but we got settled in a good spot and all was ok. The little guy was a bit bothered by a couple of the trailers for other films but they didn’t last longer than the next chance for a sweet, so peace reigned. The main film started well, but as I suspect is the way with many kids films, the humour was lost on our little boy but we found it pretty funny, if anything he mainly looked bored. I hadn’t gone to the cinema expecting to need to put my emotional shields up, nor prepared myself for the horror of flash backs. New born babies dont tend to be at the cinema, people dont tend to chat to you, so no awkward or unexpected questions and obviously there wont be anything related to missing our babies, not in a kids ‘U’ rated film. WRONG!!

Ok so it was the briefest mention, with no explanation, but what we saw on that screen undid over five months of healing in a split second. A cartoon woman and her husband, crying in a doctors office because of the absence of a baby, the doctor dressed in a white coat shaking his head, the diagram on the wall of how it should be.  I didn’t really see the next ten or so minutes of the film I was sobbing so hard. I’m nearly crying again typing this now. I never really got back into the film, my mind froze at that dreaded point, seeing an all to familiar scene played out in animation.

I assume the film had a happy ending (bar the fact the women died of old age before her dreams came true), but we never found out. Our little man isn’t a fool and I suspect picked up that Mummy was crying ( I suspect several others around us may have to) and the ‘mild peril’ and jumpy bits just got too much and he caved into floods of tears not long after.

I know I will never be same person I was 6 months ago, I carry Abi and her death with me every moment of every day, but I wonder if we will really ever fit back into a world that for the most part doesn’t understand or want to know about the death of our unborn children, the babies who went after gracing the world for just a short time or the families who dont even get a few months of a hidden child’s life to celebrate. Congratulations to the film makers for the mention that not all families get the happy ending when it comes to babies and children, for thats the stark and unentertaining reality.

Valentine #5

February 24, 2010

This in some ways is the hardest valentine to write but then again the easiest too. You see this for you my wonderful husband. It feels a bit odd writing this for all the world to see but then I want to shout from the hills what an amazing person you are. But how on earth can I put down in black and white just how you make me feel? I’ll give it a go, but forgive me if it falls somehow short. You make me so proud to know that we are husband and wife, you are everything I wish for and more and with each milestone in our lives together I see another side to you that just deepens my love for you. You have and continue to be a massive strength to me, but I thank you allowing me close to you at the times you have felt weakest, we make a great team. I’m so sorry if I don’t always pull my weight in that team and when my words and actions are unhelpful. I can’t and don’t want to imagine the path my life would have taken without God bringing us together. When we looked into each others eyes and said our wedding vows little could we have known the ‘better and worse’ that lay ahead of us, but we have come this far and I know we can make it through, together to see Abi in heaven. You are a brilliant husband to me and the finest daddy to our children. The little guy adores you its because you love that little man in the most beautiful ways. The ways you have honoured Abi and her short hidden life mean so much to me. I love you, truly more than I can say. So here’s the song for you, I think you might recognise it (wink)

Echoes of Eden

What is it about a kiss that makes me feel like this
What is it that makes my heart beat faster when I’m in your arms
What is it about your touch that amazes me so much
How is it that your sweet smile can get me through the hardest mile
What’s the magic in your eyes that brings the love in me alive
What is it about this dance the sweetness of our romance
That makes me feel this way
These are the echoes of Eden
Reflections of what we were created for
Hints of the passion and freedom
Awaits on the other side of heaven’s door
These are the echoes of Eden
How is it the sky turns grey anytime you’re far away
What is it that makes me sad any time you’re feeling mad
What is it about this night the music and the candlelight
That makes me feel this way

If you were here, these would be yours

February 20, 2010
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A while back I realised that I had a need to do something Abi related each day. Whether that was being able to have a proper conversation about her, reading blogs or contributing to our own or something else, I felt a great need to include her in some other way than just thought. I’m also someone who needs a ‘project’ something for my brain to be working on especially during the times I’m gazing out of the window while washing up or some other less brain taxing chore. Though I wouldn’t consider myself a creative person, however I do enjoy being able to create something, even if its not that good. I learned to knit while I was pregnant with Abi, I started a blanket for her, in an attempt to pass the time while I impatiently waited for her arrival. That will never be finished. A return to knitting wasn’t easy but now I’m back into it, I am enjoying it again. So to itching the everyday ‘Abi itch’. I did the bee first, as bee’s have kind of become one of our Abi reminders. I’m not as pleased with it as I would like to be but it was made with love. I hadn’t really planned what to do next, but came across a cute photo of a newborn baby hugging this knitted bird, so decided my little girl should have one too. Its just the perfect size for a tiny hand.

Valentine #3 (and 4)

February 17, 2010
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Ok, I’m a bad bad blogger keeping you hanging for this long and I didn’t even manage to do a valentines post on valentines day, but it just wasn’t ready. So after a little gentle encouragement (pah) and having this one all ready in my head yesterday, then the day going crazy, I’m finally ready to do this (and a few other posts, but they’ll have to wait and stew in my brain for a bit longer).

God, I love you

God you are the love that goes back furthest in my life,  I’ve never ‘met’ you,  I can’t see you and your the love of my life I understand least. I trust you and love you but you know that I have also felt less ‘friendly’ emotions about our relationship in these past few months. However I know you have said you love me, whatever, and I can feel you carrying us. You truly know what it is to be separated from a child, you gave yours up for me, even though you knew I’d so often throw that amazing sacrifice back in your face, time and time again. I’ll never understand why you, the one that blessed us with Abi would allow us to suffer separation from her, when you know we love her, but I will continue to find my strength in the shadow of your wings. Someone described it as touching your mystery, well, Job didn’t understand either and I know that humanly there is no way I could ever understand your awesome, wondrous  ways, you are beyond comprehension. Sometimes I wonder, if that is why so many of us missing our babies know you (or maybe it just seems that way), could you allow this for us, because you know you’ll wrap us so tightly in your arms and carry us when we feel all is gone. Because you know we have the assurance of the hope of heaven and knowledge that one day, one blessed day, you’ll stand smiling over us as we hold our sweet children again, forever. Thank you God that I know Abi is safe, happy and with you. Thank you too for every good gift, every guiding hand and hope. Hope, without which I could not live , nothing compares to the greatness of knowing, loving you and being loved by you Lord. Picking a song to accompany this valentine has been the hardest, everyday I choose a different one, no earthly, human words, by me or anyone else are close to enough. Despite it all.. I love you still.

Your love oh Lord

I will lift my voice

To worship You, My King

I will find my strength

In the shadow of your wings

Valentine #4

This one is a valentine to me, to all of us, from God. I’ll let him speak his words of love to you personally rather than my feeble attempts at conveying it but the following song captures just a tiny portion of the love I know God has for each and everyone.

Love song

Just to be with you, I will do anything
There’s no price I would not pay no
Just to be with you, I would give everything
I would give my life away.