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Ready to press the pause button

May 18, 2011

Like me, I’m sure if your life had a remote control, the rewind button would be well used. Obviously this has never been more so than when Abi died. Whilst I have come to a place where I know there is no rewind, I have found myself the being drawn to the desire for another remote button recently. I want to press pause. This desire contains some positive and negative. One the positive side is the realisation that I am incredibly blessed. Our boys are healthy and strong, full of the life we so craved after Abi’s death and whilst they at points have us exhausted and at the end of our wits, they remain two shafts of the brightest sunlight, joy and healing into our lives. Lives which would be remarkably different and empty without them. I still grieve deeply for Abi, as I watch her younger brother grow and develop, I cannot escape the thoughts that we should have been experiencing all this with her a year ago. Whilst so much healing has taken place, I do at points, feel this is about as good as life will ever be, never complete, never perfect. As our littlest one grows and develops I almost wish for time to stop. This time just seems so precious and special, time which we never got with Abi, time in which so many amazing subtle special memories can be made, but time that moves so fast. With each day we move further from Abi too it seems, she will always be a baby in my mind (or has done so far) and as I see her brothers grow and develop and change, she is left behind. Our biggest boy starts school soon too and I am so not ready to let him go, however he is ready. Somehow I need to find hope, excitement and promise for the future. I need to not settle for this point of expecting this is as good as life can now be and waiting for something to spoil it all.

One Comment leave one →
  1. livingintherainbow permalink
    May 21, 2011 8:24 AM

    Yes I totally get this analogy and I remember this time in our journey grieving Abigail too. Unfortunately we are probably hovering with our finger around the fast forward button at the moment just wishing our “home study” would start and perhaps finish so we could get on with it.

    But it is good you are appreciating what you have and we are able to do that too.

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