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I’m back

March 30, 2011

Well, long time, no see… yup

I’m not going to check how long it has been since I last wrote here, but I know its been a long time, sorry (sort of) I’m sure you’ve not missed me that much. The main reason for my absence has been my focus, time and efforts have been more employed else where. Before I say to much more I want to leave some space before you read on as the change of focus is our recent pregnancy and birth of our son.

 

 

Baby Ben safely arrived six months ago now (wow how time flies) and is a huge ray of sunshine into our lives. My third pregnancy was so full of appointments, fears, stress and health issues that I pretty much went to into hiding by the time we got half way. All that is now a distant memory and in some ways those nine months have just disappeared from my mind especially in regard to any change in my grief. It feels very much that for most of that time I put my grief on hold, I kind of knew at the time that was what I was doing, but I felt it had to be that way. Allowing myself to grieve became like standing close to the edge of a cliff, if I got to close I would fall into the raging sea below and be swept away. Before I knew I was pregnant with Ben, I would only walk to the edge when our toddler wasn’t around in an attempt to protect him. But with this new life inside me I was fearful to even move. I reasoned that if the worst were to happen again, I needed to feel there was nothing I had or hadn’t done that could have possibly caused another of my children to die. Thankfully Ben arrived safe and pretty well, but in these last few months I have found I am back pretty much where I was a year ago, in terms of grief. I want to write here again, I think I need too and I read other blogs much more again also. Don’t expect to hear too much though, so many posts I start to write are dumped as they sound so ungrateful and like a whining teenager (maybe you think this one is too, sorry). I have so much, I shouldn’t focus on what I haven’t got. But for the record, I’ll never “enough” children because I  cant get back  the one who we loved and wanted just as much as her brothers.

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2 Comments leave one →
  1. March 31, 2011 8:43 PM

    I was thinking about you the other day so I’m glad that you are back 🙂

    I hadn’t realised that you were expecting another child. I know that when we were expecting Toby, it was a very fearful time. I’m pleased to hear that your little one is safe.

    I can appreciate that you want to write again and also that you worry about how it all sounds. I felt exactly the same. All I can say is that I found it helpful to write and, in the end, I just thought that people would make of it what they would. And I could live with that.

    You don’t sound the least bit selfish to me.

    Take care

  2. livingintherainbow permalink
    April 4, 2011 6:16 PM

    It is good to have you back. We missed you.

    You are not selfish as all!

    Hugs

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