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Facts and feelings

April 21, 2010

*Pre-warning: there is a part of this post which for some of you readers out there will sting, you can probably guess what I’m talking about, but I just wanted to warn you before reading on (I am sorry)*

In the time I have been quiet from blogging recently, a lot has happened. Some good, some not so good, but I have to say I’m in an emotional state and for the most part its not a hugely happy one. This post isn’t in some hope of a pity party, nor a moan about some things which have me down, when we have so much to be thankful for. This is a post born out of the same need I had soon after Abi died. If you hadn’t already gathered I’m a Christian, but I’m increasingly rubbish at casting my burdens on to Jesus. I pray about things then continue to feed my worries and sorrows with the same energy and time I did before. I’m not saying prayer, magically makes you instantly feel better, but I’m loosing far to much sleep and constantly far too anxious to keep going without putting this down in black and white. Somehow spending the time in focusing the fear, worry and pain into some kind of readable form can really pinpoint whats eating away at me and I can let it go just a tiny bit.

So to the facts..

Abi died 7 months ago today (no need to explain the feelings on this, we still miss her terribly)

I’m pregnant with our third child (I’m so sorry to those who have read on and for whom this is hard, painful news to hear. I’m sorry if you’re not on this path also and I so wish you could and soon will be too)

Our three year old son has broken his arm and is also waiting to be referred to an ENT specialist

My father in law has been in and out of hospital for the last few weeks and is awaiting surgery

I have had some lumps appear

oh and the washing machine broke (but in the grand scheme, thats is nothing)

..and the feelings

A line from a song I was listening to yesterday kind of summed it all up for me “I’m here waiting, for something new to break my heart”. I’ve become so horribly consumed with pessimism, I fear all good is gone or going.

Baby No.3- we’ve nicknamed this one George for now and I am so thankful that so far everything seems to be progressing ok. I’m not sure how much I can or want to talk about George here. For me this feels like Abi’s place and in some ways it feels that George prevents me grieving Abi as I want to. I should be walking around with the biggest cheesiest smile on my face, for I know that children and pregnancy is an amazing blessing and not to be taken for granted or given. So please don’t get me wrong, I am hugely grateful for George. There has, up until very recently been a part of me that didn’t feel I could cope with parenting three children all in very different ways and states. Parenting our living and somewhat lively son is something I’m used to and is fairly instinctive.  I am conscious that unlike Abi, I can make a real difference to him both now and for the future. Parenting Abi, by remembering and honouring her takes more thought and I am keen not too let her be pushed out of our lives by her siblings needs. But I have to face, that nothing I do really changes her, she’s in good hands already. Parenting George feels like a tightrope walk, finding some balance between enjoying however long we have (please be years and years and years) and taking enough care, that if something were to go wrong, I wouldn’t feel I was to blame. My instinct says I should just stay shut away for nine months, but thats neither possible or condusive to a well me and it doesn’t even guarantee the outcome we want.  I could say so much on George but I’m consious that most of you reading this will fall into one of two groups, you have or are currently ‘there’ too with pregnancy after loss (so you probably know what I’m thinking anyway) or you would give so much to be in my situation with a rainbow of your own that reading this just rubs salt in to that wound. And so for those reasons I will leave the subject here. If I do post more on George in the future, I’ll try to title the post with George so those that wish to, who I will again say sorry to, can avoid reading if they so wish.

The boy- the little man (our son) we have often commented, has done well to make it to 3 and a half before needing a trip to A&E. I took him to the doctors several weeks back, expecting at worst to be given antibiotics for his tonsils and earache but it seems my mouth breathing, heavy snorer may need his adenoids out. We are still awaiting an appointment to see the ENT specialist about this and whilst I hope he is just given the “he’ll grow out of it”, I want to know my little man is properly well and am dreading him being put under anesthetic and operated on if, as I fear, it comes to that. Thankfully his broken arm has, bar the first few days, been fairly ok on us all. It hit me hard to think of my little guy, broken and in such pain, but he has bounced so far back to his usual self, we are fearful he’ll break something else before he gets this plaster off.

I wont say too much on my father in law, but his health is of course a worry and concern to both Hubby and I. On paper, if all goes well he should be sorted soon and back on the road to recovery again, as it is barely 3 months since he last had surgery for a joint replacement. The biggest fear is once again the unknown, as once the initial problem was diagnosed he was patched up and sent home till they can fix the problem. He has since had to return twice to hospital, due to complications and is awaiting the date for surgery.

As for me, in the last few weeks I have had some lumps appear in my arm pits (sorry tmi). I go back to see the GP on friday as the only person I could see at the surgery last week was the very lovely and kind nurse. She felt that the lumps and decided if they hadn’t completely gone or I was still worried should be shown to a GP after a week. She didn’t give me any firm diagnosis, nor did I expect her to unless they were something really simple, but alas, no, not just an infected follicle. Whilst I am trying my best not to dwell on this, I am frightened, really frightened, for me and all my family. We know bad things happen all too well and my mind tells me really unhelpful things, especially late at night mostly along the lines of ” we’ll have to choose, me or George to live” and “at least you’ll be with Abi”. So much for staying calm and chilled for George’s sake!

So with pregnancy, two lots of hospital trips for our son and investigations into my lumps, this will be a year of hospital visits and appointments like no other. I hope and pray this is the sum of it and nothing else will come up for us and all of our friends and family will stay/ improve in health. If you pray, please could you remember us at this time, the weight of fear is stacking up and we really should be enjoying these precious days we have with our son and the baby. Thank you

2 Comments leave one →
  1. May 19, 2010 11:14 AM

    Wow. That is a lot.
    Please do update.. what happened with the lumps? Is everything ok?
    And how far along are you with George? Do you know his/her gender?

    You’ll be in my prayers xx

  2. May 19, 2010 9:57 PM

    Hi Caz

    Thanks for asking how things are now. The lumps seem to be my body fighting off little infections probably coming from dry skin on my hands. I’ve been looking after my skin better and the lumps, have mostly gone. So thankfully that seems to be ok, or at least under control. As for ‘George’ we do now know we are expecting a little boy. By scan size, we are at 20 weeks so far.
    Thanks for prayers, we will continue to pray for you too x

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